I love Scrubs

Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it.

I honestly could not have found better words to describe how I feel about love and relationships.

Writer's block

I don't like it. I don't understand why I have it, but I do. I felt compelled to blog today, but I kind of give up. I've typed about 3 different drafts but they're all too ordinary and repetitive. I think I lost it.

19

Wowzers, it's been over a month since I've last blogged. I've turned 19, so yay me cus I'm one year closer to drinking alcohol legally.

So at work yesterday, this guy by the name of Joaquin that works in the kitchen told me and my sister that his brother had called him earlier and told him that he needs to go back to Mexico cus both his parents are really sick. I'm not the type to cry, but I am very sympathetic towards a lot of people, especially lighthearted people like this guy. &nothing really breaks my heart more than to see a grown man fight his tears with a smile simply because he doesn't want anyone else to see or feel how much he's hurting inside. &it sucks, because I wanted to comfort him, but he speaks very little English &I speak very little Spanish. I wish there was more I could've done for him but I simply touched his should and hoped that everything will be better. Well I'm not blogging simply to talk about things that I wish I could've done cus I know that's beyond my control. Honestly, I don't know why I'm blogging. I've shared many experiences with this guy that was worth blogging about, but I never bothered to do so. I guess I never really saw how much of a difference he made in my everyday life. I mean, yes we've shared all but a few words with one another, but to watch him struggle everyday and still keep a smile on his face just warms my heart. At the same time, it does break my heart to see somebody with a heart as big as his to be in so much pain. I know that all his struggles are learning experiences for him, as with anybody else, but damn how much pain does one have to endure in order to find happiness? &that goes for everyone else in the world. I know that I'll eventually see something good come out of this, as with everything else, but it's just the process that's always the most difficult yet most rewarding. I just wish things were simpler, but I know they aren't. So here we all are, trying to get through every obstacle that comes our way and somehow ending up victorious cus here we STILL are, right? I will never forget that man, because he has touched my heart in many ways possible, &I wish him the best in life. He has helped me see the good in everyone, and for that I am grateful.

Dear Father,

To put it simply, IF YOU DIED I WOULD NOT SHED A TEAR BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER DONE SHIT FOR ME MY WHOLE LIFE. Noone has EVER hurt me like you have, and I don't think anybody will be heartless enough to do so. You're a sadistic piece of shit. I think you find joy in hurting your loved ones. You bring out the WORST in me. I have NEVER EVER felt so much hate &dislike for anyone the same way I do for you. I have lost ALL respect for you, and I will NEVER forgive you for all that you have done. You are smarter than ANYBODY I know, and yet you live the life that you do. I was just thinking about why you hang out with lowlives like the dumbfucks that hang out in our garage daily, and it JUST came to me that you're JUST LIKE THEM. You're no better just because you have an education and a family. In fact you're worse because at least they're smart enough to only have to take care of themselves. You have responsibilities, they don't. So Fuck you, &fuck them. Fuck everything and everyone involved in your addiction. Fuck you for being a worthless father. Fuck you for being a shitty husband. Fuck you for being a fucking burden in my life. Fuck you for never ceasing to disappoint me. Fuck you for being the only embarrassment of my life. You're a failure. I hope you know that. You failed because you have had every opportunity handed to you and you dropped everything. EVERYTHING. For drugs and alcohol. I will NEVER respect you. I will NEVER forgive you. I will NEVER love you. You are the shittiest person alive. I hope you fucking burn in hell. I'm gonna laugh in your face and probably spit on it the day that you ever expect anything out of me. I hope you fucking die slowly.

Dear mother,

Please do not EVER ask of me anything and everything that you would not even dare to ask your husband. It is not my responsibility to take care of this family, neither is it my sister's. That's YOURS AND YOUR HUSBAND'S job. Believe me, I understand just how difficult your situation is as a mother of 2 young adults with tubes running through your body just to keep you alive, &I admire you for all that you have done for both of us. But I refuse to grant certain requests that come from you because your husband does NOTHING to make our lives easier. He steals from all 3 of us, even his own mother. He stays home all day, and does drugs at night. He's an embarrassment for all of us, and you seem to be in denial. It hurts me more than anything to realize how much you're willing to lose me over him. I can't recall anytime in my life when he acted as my father. He has never provided me with anything; whether it's materialistic or emotional. He has never supported anything that I do. He has never appreciated anything that I have done for him. You, on the other hand, have never called him out on anything. He has done you wrong plenty of times, and yet you still stick around for lord knows what. He hurts everyone around him, including you, and yet that doesn't seem to bother you. He's killing you slowly, and you're letting him. You're giving up on your children. We need you, but you seem to need him more than anything. For what? I don't know. I can't seem to fathom why you can't leave him. He's a burden on all of us. He has done nothing but hurt us all. &it hurts me that as my mother, you're not even TRYING to stop him from hurting me. In fact you're helping him hurt me by asking me to do things that are HIS responsibilities. It hurts me to see how much you don't care about me. I don't resent helping you, but my help can only go so far. I will only help as much as a daughter is supposed to; I refuse to carry on your husband's responsibilities. I know I can handle it, but I'm not going to. This is my first attempt at denying your request for help, and hopefully it teaches you a lesson. I'm willing to live with my grandma in the Philippines if the distance will help you understand how much you've hurt me, and how much more you would lose without me as opposed to the worthless husband, shitty father, and slum that lives with us &eats the food that we all provide for us. I have no hate for anybody but him, and I will NEVER forgive him for all the things that he has done. NEVER. I will never forget that you continuously choose him over me. NEVER. &I will never forget the conversation we just had. NEVER. You have forever hurt me, and things will never EVER be the same after this.

Summertime

It's here! I'm excited but at the same time afraid that I might not do anything productive. I really wanna accelerate my life but that requires a lot of effort that I have yet to give. I fucked up my first year in college, but I promise to myself and the world that never ever will i do that again. I didn't realize how easily distracted I could really get. But it's fine, no need to mope over it now cus there's nothing else I can do right? I was super depressed earlier but after talking to Arleezy about it I was just super enlightened. I'm not gonna blog about it cus it's hella sad hahaha but I'm fine now. It's in my hands &I'm gonna work on making things better.

So tomorrow is Trisha day. I'm excited. Muahaha
&it's almost June which means it's almost July which means it's almost Arlene &my birthday month, hollllaaaa.

RIP Napoleon Lazaga Sr. =(

El Burro

I am SO superficial, it's ridiculous. I'm nearly over my whole teeth situation. I'm gonna take this time as an experience to become a better person on the inside rather than my aesthetics. I obviously need a lot of work. Anywho, my teeth hurt and so does my stomach. I'm always complaining about something -___-. I can't wait til the csi season finale tonight! Lol. My day with Matty totally failed today, but dinner was delish. Ok hollller at me.